Friday 7 October 2011

You must not reveal the morons in our midst, Downing Street warns Clarke


Ken Clarke looks set to face ‘enforced retirement’ from the cabinet, after publicly revealing that there are morons like Theresa May currently serving in the government.

Clarke is to be punished after telling reporters that May’s conference speech claim about an illegal immigrant who avoided deportation due to his ownership of a cat was, “so utterly moronic that it actually made my face hurt.”

An Whitehall insider told us, “We simply can’t have our own cabinet members going around pointing out how stupid the rest of the cabinet is – we’d never get anything done.”

“You have to learn to embrace the idiocy when you’re in government, much like we did in making Theresa May Home Secretary.”

“No, it’s much better to nip this in the bud and get rid of the man who pointed out that her utterly ridiculous claims, rather than the woman who falsely perpetuated them.”

Ken Clarke reprimanded

It is expected that Clarke’s punishment will go beyond banishment from the cabinet, with a newly-created position as George Osbornes economics tutor.

A Downing Street source confirmed, “It’s part punishment, part ongoing education about the modern Conservative party.”

“Expectations on us amongst the public are incredibly low right now, and we need to ensure they’re equally low inside the party.”

“We want him to spend so long with our party’s morons that when he sees a ridiculous faux pas like Theresa’s in public, he’s simply delighted that the damage done was so slight.”

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