Thursday 6 October 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Nation appalled at prospect of affordable legal advice


After supermarkets announced plans to enter the highly competitive market for legal services, there are fears that the income of Britain’s lawyers could be slightly affected.

“Our members are already feeling the pinch, and in some cases we’ve had to not quite bleed people dry”, claimed Claude Darkus of the Law Society.

“If Tesco start undercutting our eye-watering prices, we may have to give up bathing in the blood of virgins completely.”

Consumers have already formed several support groups for struggling lawyers, with drop-in centres where they can have a quick money shower and kick some puppies.

“Modern lawyers are completely defenceless against companies that are prepared to charge a reasonable price for goods and services”, claimed Henry Frost of the charity LeechAid.

“And they’ll struggle against the supermarkets as well.”

Supermarket lawyers

However, some groups have welcomed the prospect of legal services being offered by enormous, global monopolies.

Susan Falmouth of the Citizens’ Advice Bureau enthused, “Members of the public pretty much know that when they need legal representation, they’re going to get a massive rogering.”

“But if you are going to get bent over and taken for everything you own, it’s nice for it to happen surrounded by cheap baked beans and pictures of Jane Horrocks.”

LeechAid’s Frost believes the supermarkets have an unfair advantage, having acted as a law unto themselves for decades.

A Tesco spokesperson responded, telling us “Do you know how many tins of beans you have to sell to make the same amount of money you do from telling someone that getting divorced is going to be very, very expensive? It’s a lot.”

“But we would never abuse our position of trust.”

“While our ‘Value’ range might undercut some solicitors, we’re not competing with the criminal lawyers just yet. Although when we do, repeat offenders are going to love our loyalty points scheme.”

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