Friday 16 September 2011 by Spacey

Catholics facing prospect of thoroughly disappointing curry nights


News that Catholics are being asked to abstain from meat for Friday Penance, has forced followers of the religion to contemplate a future of bland vegetarian post-pub disappointment.

Bishops say Friday should be a day of penitence as it the day on which Christ is said to have died.

“That’s just bloody typical of Christ that is,” slammed one angry Catholic Francis McCullen.

“Any Lord and Saviour worth his salt would have died on a nothing day like Monday or Tuesday.”

“First it’s not being able to engage in homosexual activity, now I can’t have a lamb rogan josh after a hard week at work. That’s the trouble with this religion, it’s all take, take, take.”

Another asked us, “Jesus hasn’t given a shit about curry night for two-thousand years, why all the sudden interest now?”

“You know, it wouldn’t surprise me if this was because the Vatican are about to launch a new vegetarian food range.”

Catholics ban meat

The general secretary of the Bishops’ Conference of England and Wales, Father Marcus Stock, defended making Friday nights a complete write-off for thousands of Catholics.

“It’s so easy to forget sometimes about those who are suffering. This is a regular way of remembering that people are homeless, people are hungry, people are in need.”

“And what better way could there be to help those in need than having a vegetable curry and a chickpea dahl.”

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