Wednesday 14 September 2011 by Waylandsmithy

New homes ‘as cramped as shoeboxes’ say people who design mansions


Architects have taken time out from designing five-story mansions that look like spaceships to hit out at modern homes, claiming they’re ‘no bigger than shoe boxes’.

Grand Chief Architect Jeremy Farah-Jones, speaking from a polyglass turret on his converted 18th century slaughter house, criticised much of the work.

“It’s terribly inconvenient if you have to visit someone that lives in one of these cramped little hovels.”

“In many ways, they’re the ideal home for a normal person. The proles even think that nailing a few planks on the outside gives the air of a Tudor manor.”

“But when I visited an old school friend last week, and accidentally used his downstairs toilet, it took the fire brigade 8 hours to cut me out.”

“It’s almost like his house had been put together with one eye on the cost of the thing, it’s absurd.”

Small homes

However some architects believe think the problem is over-stated.

“A lot of these home owners are scraping by on less than £50k a year”, said a lower order architect, who lives in a converted Drive-Thru KFC in Fulham.

“It’s all they can afford. They might be a little cramped, but there’s still enough room to stand up in a lot of them.”

“It’s important that people have a bit of room to stretch out, I’m sure that’s why they continue to fit opening windows.”

Smaller houses packed tightly together have been welcomed by postmen, and families seem to be coping.

“The kitchen’s too small for our range cooker, so we’ve put it in the lounge”, explained mother-of-three Sarah Pollock.

“It’s difficult, all five of us having to share the one bedroom, but it was that or do without a home cinema. You’ve got to have standards, I don’t want people thinking we’re slumming it.”

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