Tuesday 13 September 2011 by Spacey

Nation forms orderly queue as government announces possible MP cull


People across Britain have begun eagerly gathering ammunition and polishing their hunting horns after the government revealed it is considering a cull to reduce the number of MPs in Parliament.

With a reduction of fifty MPs the desired result, citizens from across the land have insisted they have the perfect method to reduce the MP population, and will even do it for free.

Stockport resident Simon Matthews told us, “Oh, don’t worry, we’re only doing this because a cull is definitely needed, so please don’t read too much into my bright red tunic, this snazzy hat or the fact that I’m riding a horse.”

“What you have to remember is that what we have planned is actually good for parliament as a whole – so try not to think of the MPs being torn limb from limb, just focus on there being one less MP.”

“Our hounds are well trained, we just have to give them a parliamentary expenses form to sniff for a minute or two and then off they go.  They’re very efficient.”

“Of course, I also think Jeremy Hunt’s head above the mantelpiece would enhance any living room.”

MP Cull planned

Other volunteers arriving at Westminster have said that chasing them with dogs through central London is a little over the top, and that strategically placed bear traps would perform much the same function at a greatly reduced cost.

One told us, “I’d be happy to check the traps every few days and put a bullet between the eyes of any we caught.  I’d hazard a guess at us having fifty of them by Friday.”

However some have insisted that any cull should use the most humane method available.

Potential volunteer Mike Williams told us, “I’ve been a fisherman for thirty years, and I know the most humane way to kill an animal is to bang its head sharply against the side of your boat.”

“Fortunately Parliament is on the Thames and there are plenty of boats passing by, so if I could just borrow Ken Clarke for a few minutes I’ll get started.”

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