Monday 12 September 2011 by Spacey

Hairdressers issue weather warning as winds hit troublesome hair


Hairdressers have urged people with troublesome or unruly hair to take extra precautions as winds reaching several miles an hour continue to batter the British Isles.

Reports of tree branches moving backwards and forwards causing leaves to fall to the ground are widespread, and concerns are growing for the whereabouts of a pair of Le Coq Sportif jogging bottoms that went missing from the back garden of a house in Wigan.

“We would warn anyone with frizzy or hard to control hair not to venture out unless absolutely necessary,” said hair salon manager, Paula Caddis.

“If you do have to go out then make sure you apply a healthy amount of coconut oil and take with you an adequate supply of holding products.”

Wind hits Britain

It’s not just people with difficult flyaway hair that are suffering mild irritation at the hands of winds that have been described by forecasters as ‘quite brisk’.

“The conditions will make trying to read a tabloid newspaper at the bus stop a thoroughly frustrating experience,” warned BBC weatherman, Matt Taylor.

“Reading a broad sheet will become a virtual impossibility.”

Other reported incidents caused by the weather conditions include:

  • A shed door banging open and shut in Berwick has meant that night worker, Dennis Mitchell, will spend his next shift yawning and unable to fully concentrate on stacking shelves at the local B&Q.
  • A Bradford woman is being consoled by work colleagues after making a bit of a spectacle of herself trying to chase a lottery ticket that matched 3 numbers after it blew out of her hand as she walked to the newsagents.
  • A group of children were forced to abandon a game of football after it became apparent that the cheap football that they had purchased from a pound shop was no match for the conditions – No definite date has been set for the match to be replayed, but both sides have pencilled in tomorrow’s lunch break as a possibility.
  • Some bins that were put out for collection have been overturned and rubbish spread across a street in Nottingham. It is unclear whether this is the result of the wind or simply lazy twat binmen who don’t give a flying toss about the bloody awful mess they make.

Weather forecasters have predicted that the winds will subside over the next 24 hours, but warn that over the coming months the country will continue to shit itself about any weather that is the slightest bit different from the norm.

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