Friday 9 September 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Rendition ‘torture’ flights unacceptable, says Department for climate change


‘Extraordinary rendition’ flights faced fresh criticism today, with claims that they are making torture ‘less green than ever’.

A spokesman for the Department for Energy and Climate Change, DECC, demanded an end to the practice.

“This is an extremely wasteful way to obtain information”, said David Spinks. “MI5’s carbon footprint is nearly 500 tonnes per confession, and we’re not happy about it. We’re demanding answers.”

The practice of flying suspects to far-away places and paying foreigners to beat them to a pulp has become fashionable lately, particularly in the West.

One advertising campaign, promoting systematic abuse at home, has so far made little impact.

“Setting up interrogation facilities in the UK doesn’t have to be a painful process,” continued Spinks.

“Sure, there are some fairly tortuous forms to fill in, but we’re offering to help: it’s not as if we’re asking them to do this with a bag on their head.”

“MI5 don’t want to talk about it, even though they’ve been in the spotlight for some time.”

“We’ve threatening to stick a red ‘G’ rating on their building, but even that hasn’t loosened their lips.”

Torture should go green

Many of the interrogation techniques have also been condemned. “Waterboarding is completely unacceptable, particularly when some areas of the world really struggle for clean drinking water”, explained Spinks.

“We’ve also had reports that prisoners have been kept naked in their cells. But if they provide them with jumpers, they can drop the room thermostat by a couple of degrees. It all helps, you know?”

MI5 may already be limiting the practice. As an unnamed source explained, “fast-tracking terror suspects out of the country on ‘black flights’ can be counter-productive.”

“Especially when you can break their will just by leaving them in Stanstead for a couple of hours.”

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