Thursday 8 September 2011 by Spacey

Criminals to consider replacing lost benefits with contents of your home


Plans being considered by government to allow courts to cut the benefits of convicted criminals will result in criminals making up the shortfall by committing more crime, a report by a small child has concluded.

The report, which was drawn on yellow paper using crayons legally obtained as a free gift from Peppa Pig magazine, claims that criminals may look at alternative methods of acquiring funds should their benefits be stopped.

4-year old Emily Connell, who drew the report, has urged the government to study the findings, describing their plans as “really, really silly”.

“Mummy and Daddy said it is beautiful and the bestest picture they have ever seen ever,” she enthused.

“They also said that it accurately portrayed the effect of withdrawing benefits from people on low incomes, not only on those who have had their benefits cut, but also the wider  community.”

Benefits for criminals

Experts have rejected Emily’s findings, insisting that any reduction in income would see criminals cut their cloth accordingly.

Whitehall criminologists Fergus McManus told us, “When a criminal is told they are getting less money, their immediate reaction will be to make a list of areas where they can spend less, and consume fewer things.  It’s obvious.”

However criminals have backed the findings, confirming that they won’t think twice about committing more crime to make up for the loss of benefits.

“Young Emily is absolutely correct,” insisted 19 year old petty thief Dale Blunsdon.

“If my benefits are docked then I’ll have to go from the occasional bit of shoplifting to causing some serious trouble for the establishment.”

The government have promised they will take a look at Miss Connell’s report once her parents have removed it from the front of the fridge.

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