Wednesday 7 September 2011 by Gary Stanton

Decent England performances added to endangered list


Convincing English football performances have been put on the endangered list after a steep decline in their numbers.

It is not clear why the performances are declining; however, experts believe huge disparities between players’ salary and ability may be playing a role.

A lack of adequate resources could also be to blame since populations of the greater Gareth Barry and Lampard Tit have dropped by 91% and 76% respectively since the 1970s, the RSPF said.

The players will now be monitored to find out why they are struggling to string three passes together.

The Rare Breeding Footballers Panel has also added the Long-Haired Rooney, Ferdinand Warbler and the Arctic Gerrard to the list of species it now considers to be at risk.

Mark Eaton from the RSPF said: “It is tragic to think that within many people’s memories players of ability were so widespread and now they are so rare.”

“Since 1966, we’ve lost nine out of 10 pairs of Bald-Headed Charltons and three out of four pairs of Lesser Spotted Hursts, although the Red-Faced Spit Roaster has bucked the trend and is doing rather well.”

‘Essential snapshot’

The RSPF said the declines were “extremely alarming”, with the players such as the puffed up tosspot disappearing altogether from games where they were once found.

Experts say a lack of suitable management which would allow new growth and provide players with a single bloody clue may be having an impact.

They are calling on spectators to submit records if they see any of the players which are on the at-risk register.

The panel’s secretary Mark Holling said: “It’s not all bad news. There are signs that the Bulbous-Nosed Twat has begun nesting again and the Rosy-Cheeked Wifebeater looks to have a decent left foot.”

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