Tuesday 6 September 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Ken Clarke’s Decent Family Planning service asks: Do you struggle for penal firmness?


Never one to shy away from embarrassing causes, Ken Clarke is the latest high-profile spokesman to address the thorny issue of penal firmness.

In a press release, Clarke broaches the question: “Are you experiencing softness with your underclass?”

“When you’re expecting a riot, does your truncheon stay holstered? While courting, do you wish you could hand out something stiffer?”

Clarke is confident that his new service can deliver, “Worry no more, Ken Clarke’s Penal Reform® is here!”, boasts the campaign.

“Thanks to a range of indiscreet treatments, we can transform even the laziest of tools into an upstanding member to be proud of.”

Ken Clarke’s Penal reform

Clarke blames a lack of moral fibre for a range of anxieties, but makes some bold claims, “Our treatments guarantee satisfaction, so you don’t need to take matters into your own hands.”

Clarke is focused on driving his point home. “It’s time to stop making excuses, start taking the tabloids and enjoy a huge swell of support.”

“Why put up with limp sentencing, when you really crave a ten-stretch? With my help, we’ll soon have them banged to rights.”

Ken Clarke has so much faith in Penal Reform®, he’s guaranteeing “a longer stretch inside, next time there’s an uprising”.

Demand is expected to be high, especially as the first 500 orders are supplied with a free set of feral goolie shears.

“I’m ready to tackle this issue head on”, claims Clarke. “You could say I’m really up for it.”

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