As a report reveals that less than one in four primary school teachers are men, MPs are taking steps to address the lack of male role models in children’s lives.
“We have to address this issue”, claimed Education Secretary Michael Gove. “Children really need a man’s influence in their formative years.”
“Some of these kids can’t even whittle a tent peg, let alone burp the alphabet.”
Experts aren’t sure why so few men are drawn to low-paid work in rooms full of screaming children.
“A few men have shown a passing interest in the profession”, explained a head teacher, Mrs Delphi. “But that’s mainly been concentrated around Miss Honey’s desk during parents’ evening.”
Primary school teachers
From January, primary school teachers will take it in turns to dress as men, and properly tear the kids a ‘new one’.
“There’s something about a balding head atop a tweed jacket that instills respect in a young tearaway”, suggested Gove.
“That, or the random assaults and surreptitious drinking.”
To complete the illusion, female teachers are being sent on crash-courses in faking interest in football, farting loudly in corridors and parking neatly in the staff carpark.
“Boys in particular need a father figure to look up to, or at the very least a mother figure with drawn-on stubble”, said Gove.
“I don’t think I’d have got where I am today without the influence of dishevelled, browbeaten, alcoholic male teachers.”
Gove was quick to rebuff suggestions that his view of men in education was a tired cliché.
“I accept that not all the chaps that taught me in school were unkempt, unshaved half-tramps. But trust me, I’m not about to start encouraging grooming of any kind.”