Thursday 1 September 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Tesco opens first ‘Guerrilla’ shop inside Watford Asda


As Tesco’s plan for ‘a store in every postcode’ nears completion, the retail giant surprised business analysts last night by opening a guerrilla store inside a rival hypermarket.

Harrogate, England’s last Tesco-free town, is expected to surrender to the shopping giant this week, but there were fears that the matey monopoly had run out of places in which to expand.

“They’ve taken over the freezer isle!” exclaimed Asda store manager Derek Ambleside.

“I think they got in through the ventilation pipes in the dead of night. We found a big pile of our own-brand steak and leather pies defrosting in the car park this morning, so we knew something was up.”

The guerrilla shop allows customers to automatically pay for items, with a swipe of their Tesco’s smartphone.

“I know you should hate bullying, faceless multinational corporations”, said Mrs Thwaite, a busy mother of two.

“But I saved 15p by choosing their ‘Value’ fish fingers, compared to these slightly soggy Asda ones that someone had hidden in the coffee section.”

Tesco expansion continues

Tesco has used survival experts to help them infiltrate every section of the store.

“You have to look carefully, but we’ll be there”, explained Doug Wendel, the company’s Strategy and Tactics Director.

“Often, our items are tucked away at the back of a shelf, but sometimes it’s more subtle.”

“For instance, we’ve hidden a load of ready meals in amongst the broccoli, no-one looks there.”

“But if you get stuck, you’ll find one of our customer service ninjas hiding amongst the salad vegetables. You see? I said something useful would come from our Japanese business.”

Tesco’s have defended their new policy of stealth marketing. “It was a natural move for us”, said Wendel.

“We’ve run out of room to build new stores, so taking down our rivals from inside is a pretty organic step.”

“Sorry, did I say organic? The lawyers have asked me not to use that word. Could you change that to ‘Barn friendly’?”

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