Wednesday 31 August 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Gyms urge cash-strapped Britons to ditch mortgages ‘or risk bingo wings’


Gyms throughout the UK have admitted to secretly contacting struggling members, urging them to cut non-essential expenditure such as crisps, mortgages and life insurance.

“Some members are struggling to meet our already reasonable ‘Super Platinum Hero Saver’ membership fees”, explained Dick Heuer, owner of the chain of ‘Rawthighs’ fitness clubs.

“But when you ask them to choose between a roof over their heads or a really ripped set of abs, the choice becomes obvious.”

“That’s why we now let so many of our members live in tents in the carpark.”

Gyms very important say Gyms

Consumer groups have accused gyms of exploiting their customers but Heuer dismissed this suggestion: “Our members will all tell you the same thing: if you can’t bench-press 200 kilos, can you live with any dignity anyway?”

“Our gyms offer all the facilities of the modern home: showers, TVs and special powdered drinks to build massive thighs.”

“Who would honestly choose to own a home, when they could spend every waking hour pounding our treadmills watching Beyoncé videos?”

Gym member Gary Trimble is much happier since he handed his house keys back to the bank and moved into his local club.

“At first, I missed my family, obviously. But since I started spending more time at the gym, I haven’t looked back. In fact, I can barely turn my head at all with my new 23-inch neck.”

Gym membership can also cut down other costs, as Trimble explained: “I’ve been keeping everyone on Facebook up to date with my regime: ‘checking in’ to the rowing machine, ‘Liking’ the sauna.”

“I seem to have encouraged them. My mates must be so busy working out these days that they never answer their phones. It’s saving me a fortune.”

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