Monday 29 August 2011 by Spacey

Government hands private investors opportunity to buy poor people


The government has revealed that it intends to transfer ownership of poor people from the public sector into private ownership with the introduction of “Social impact bonds”.

With the government seemingly harbouring the assumption that all tax payers are as jealous of those living in poverty as they are delighted about spunking billions of pounds up the wall on this months overseas conflict, a trial scheme is to be set up to privatise families blighted by crime and poverty.

Civil Society Minister Nick Hurd said the scheme would focus on allowing the government to completely ignore its social responsibilities, while providing private investors with “a warm feeling of superiority”.

“Giving the poorest in society the opportunity to make money for private investors is something that I’m sure will give them that sense of worth that they’ll never be able to afford to pay for.”

Social bonds

Potential investors have welcomed the idea which could see them make up to 13% of their original investment.

“Obviously I’ll look at the schemes that are available to invest in and choose the ones that are the most likely to succeed and make me money,” revealed one investor.

“You don’t think I’m going to throw any money at lost causes do you?!”

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