Monday 22 August 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

You should have insisted you were looking for WMDs, Blair tells rioters


Tony Blair has told the rioting youth of Britain that if they really wanted to escape justice for looting a country, they should have copied him and pretended to be looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The former prime minister asserted that it was his overwhelming desire to see his template for mass criminal activity rolled out to the very electorate he had first so fulsomely applied it to.

Writing in the Observer, he said, “It was most distressing to witness looting teenagers in Britain wilfully risking a future career on the after dinner speech circuit by suffering the unnecessary inconvenience of a pleasuring at the hand of Her Majesty.”

“Was creating an elaborate ruse to circumvent the yawn of justice before embarking an atrocity so clearly fuelled by a penchant for things you are running desperately short of, not the first thing I taught them?”

“Be it trainers, Bang & Olufsen sound systems or the black, gooey substance BP can’t keep hold of, clearly you need to create yourself some plausible deniability in advance.”

Blair offers looting advice

Mr Blair went on to outline the method he would have undertaken to ensure his 16th floor flat was furnished with the best entertainment systems the average High Street can provide.

“I would ask myself ‘Could any of the products available at Curry’s have been deemed a threat to the overall well-being of Britain?’”

“I’m certain you could argue any television set which has the capacity to show Celebrity Big Brother, most definitely is.”

“Go geddem, boys!”

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