Monday 22 August 2011 by Spacey

Stock market to be humanely destroyed


Nervous investors could finally see an end to their suffering after calls for the long-suffering stock market to be ‘put to sleep’.

With the stock market currently resembling an elderly hairless dog stood shivering next to a foul-smelling puddle of its own filth, experts have insisted there’s no point in prolonging the misery any longer.

“Things have become so bad that even fund managers have started quoting Karl Marx,” revealed one expert.

“Anyone who has witnessed the heartbreaking scenes of stock market traders looking worryingly at their computer screens will surely agree that we can’t allow this anguish to continue.”

Stock market suffering

Early suggestions that the stock market should be ‘taken out the back and shot’, have been dismissed with a high dose of anaesthetic believed to be the preferred option.

It is unclear whether investors will try to fill the void left by the end of the stock market, but one took a short break from breathing into a paper bag and clutching his chest to tell us, “I spend the majority of my day feeling traumatised by even the slightest market fluctuation, but I’ll miss it if it’s put down.”

“But life goes on, and I suppose it won’t be long before I’m looking for something new to get perpetually anxious and panicked about.”

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