Thursday 18 August 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

RBS basic account holders to retain fortnightly, supervised ATM visits


Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) has courted controversy by announcing plans to restrict basic bank account holders’ access to its ATMs to once-a-fortnight supervised visits.

The bank claims the move, which will affect nearly one tenth of its 12m customers, is what the ATMs really want, and that its the poor people’s fault for putting the ATMs in that position in the first place.

A spokesman for RBS said he was certain those expecting a level of service consistent with being a paying customer would quickly find the positives of the new restrictions far out weighed the negatives.

He excitedly told reporters at a hastily convened press conference, “With such reduced access to the ATMs, we’re sure our customer will come to cherish those moments like never before.”

“Try not to think of this as losing 28 days of access to our ATM network, instead think of it as receiving a few magical hours each month.”

“We’re looking at ways in which we might give them a week of access during the school holidays, but nothing is confirmed yet.”

RBS ATM policies

RBS basic account holder, Elton Freck, expressed his surprise at the scheme.

“I don’t mind being treated like a convicted paedo on day release to visit his offspring, so long as it is accompanied by all of the accoutrements that comes with it.”

“You know, the highly-secure fully-catered accommodation, the widescreen telly etc.”

“Now that’s customer service.”

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