The British government is poised to announce locations for new ‘looting zones’ throughout England to appease towns and villages which missed out on having their high streets and shopping malls wantonly trashed in last week’s riots.
The nationwide list of soon-to-be-vaporised ghost towns remains a closely guarded secret, but is said to include Gateshead, Solihull, Chipping Sodbury, and the 2012 Olympic Village.
Government ministers and locals alike have hailed the proposals as a massive boost to the chavs, ballerinas, aspiring rappers, Olympic ambassadors and millionaires’ teenage spawn that stalk Britain’s most unutterably sterile provincial shitholes.
Environment Minister Caroline Spelman told us, “Last week the sickness levels amongst my Meriden constituents on realising they had missed out on the Birmingham riots by a mere twelve miles were of positively parrot-like proportions.”
“My government has listened, and is now fully committed to incentivising anarchy in sleepy rural conurbations in preference to Satan’s gangland mega-metropolises, which I think we can all agree have had a fair crack of the whip.”
“I will personally be bussing Meriden residents into nearby Solihull and providing free scaffold poles, petrol cans and Swan Vestas, just as soon as the funding comes through.”
New looting zones announced
David Cameron said, “My government has pledged to create 30,000 new gangs nationwide by putting an unprecedented number of bling boutiques and carpet warehouses in the firing line, as well as reducing police numbers and flame control levels to zero by Bonfire Night.”
“Looting zones will be trailblazers for insurance companies, tastefully torched Vauxhall Zefiras and discarded Adidas T-shirt hangers in gutters throughout the country.”
“Have you even been to Gateshead? Well shut up then.” he added.
The Prime Minister went on to outline how, once the country was sufficiently buggered, the coalition government would overthrow itself and start again, having finally retrieved its brain from a glass of water beside its bed.