Wednesday 17 August 2011 by Gary Stanton

News International extractor fan hit by large quantity of faeces


Following confirmation that hacking was widely discussed by those at News International, a large quantity of faecal matter was reported to have collided with a fan based at the company’s London offices.

On a good day the fan, which has three speed settings of slow, medium and fast, provides adequate ventilation for up to five hundred News International employees, depending on atmospheric conditions.

With temperatures in London currently at a sizzling twenty degrees, the fan – normally a shiny metallic colour – had been set to “fast” when the faeces made impact.

Professor, John Goodier, an expert in Fluid Dynamics, said, “Shit is a highly viscous material and when a massive cloud of it hits a fan in this way it produces an effect we call ‘scatter’.”

“This of course depends on the rotational velocity of the fan which I’m told was significant.”

News International did it

The faecal cloud has added further to the woes of News International employees and is said to have brought an abrupt halt to a water cooler moment.

Tony Aschroft, Senior Ventilation Engineer with the company said, “The first I heard was a kind of splattering sound, followed by a series of screams and a fairly pungent aroma.”

“That’s when I thought, ‘The shit has really hit the fan this time’.”

“It’s making this terrible whirring sound so I’ve tried to phone the editor to warn him we’re probably going to need a new one”

“But it turns out he’s taken his phone off the hook.”

“Unusual for him.”

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