Tuesday 16 August 2011

New police advice to include ‘stopping people doing illegal things’


New guidance for police forces across the country will include a directive to stop people breaking the law when they’re doing it right under your bloody nose, it has been revealed.

Home Secretary Theresa May is expected to outline a number of changes later today, including new rules which will make sure that all police are fully aware of their status as a ‘crime prevention’ force.

“There’s even talk of including it in the entrance exam,” said one former policeman. “Just to be sure.”

May told reporters, “It’s time we learned the lessons of the last ten days – no, not that more police means less crime, I mean about telling the police to do their jobs a bit better.”

New police guidelines

A leaked extract of the Home Secretary’s speech shows that she will encourage police to “try and arrest more baddies, especially the ones we see on television.”

“I would suggest that standing around watching criminals doing crimes is not as good as stopping them doing crimes – and I hope you would all agree.”

Upon hearing of the new guidance, a Police spokesperson told us, “This is wonderful, why did we never think of that?”

“Really, where would we be without all these lovely politicians repeatedly telling us to do more, with much, much less.”

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