Friday 12 August 2011

Fingers were at the heart of riot organisation, claims Cameron


David Cameron used yesterday’s parliamentary debate to lay the groundwork for new police powers to remove anything used to organise the riots, including fingers and thumbs.

Parliament was discussing the recent nationwide riots after being recalled from its summer recess, with suggested solutions for prevention of future incidents top of the agenda among those wishing they were still on the beach.

Cameron told the house that, “The rioters were filmed using their fingers to create messages to organise their attacks, and we are now examining proposals that claim finger removal would prevent similar attacks in the future.”

“Obviously removing the fingers of potential rioters is a significant move, and may affect a few decent law abiding citizens, but it’s an entirely appropriate response considering the damage they can cause.”

Riot prevention measures

Security consultants have said that although fingers are pervasive throughout modern society, their swift removal in isolated areas is actually quite straight forward.

Simon Davies of Whackfuck Security told us, “A bit of ketting and a few dozen sets of bolt cutters and you’re good to go.”

“Admittedly putting them back on again is a bit of a pain, but we’re working on that bit of the process.”

Civil liberties campaigner Sandra Williams said the proposals were draconian and ‘bordering on medieval’.

She said, “You have remember that fingers are also regularly used for good purposes, I just can’t think of any right now.”

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