Thursday 11 August 2011 by waylandsmithy

e-petition calls for Cameron and Miliband to kiss ‘with tongues’


Miliband and Cameron to French kiss, according to Government website e-petition

The government’s flagship ‘e-petition’ initiative was thrown into turmoil last night, as leaders from opposite sides of the house were encouraged to French kiss by more than 1.5 million voters.

What started as a prank soon went viral following a spirited campaign on Facebook from people keen to be a little bit sick into their mouths.

David Spinks, the creator of the petition, is delighted. He told us, “I came up with the idea partly to create better cross-party unity, and partly because I was very, very drunk.”

“It just seemed a natural thing to do, especially since that other petition forced them to wear gold lamé jumpsuits. That was to emphasise power, I think.”

New parliamentary rules dictate that sufficiently supported proposals must be debated by back-benchers, using a brummie accent and including the name of a root vegetable in each and every sentence.

Government e-petitions

Some backbenchers claim that the public aren’t taking e-petitions seriously, whilst others have gone further and suggest that they are being deliberately humiliated.

Speaking through an interpreter, the MP for Lansbury expressed her anger through the medium of mime.

“She says this is ridiculous,” the interpreter claimed.

“She admits to putting theatre tickets on her expenses, but being trapped forever in an invisible box seems a little harsh.”

“She’s sure they’re taking the…oh wait, I think she needs the bathroom.”

Ministers have taken the liberty of removing obvious hoax suggestions from the e-petition website.

Recently installed software searches for keywords such as ‘tarred’ and ‘feathered’ and deletes those entries automatically.

However, with so many alternative spellings of ‘paedophile’, some entries must still be removed manually.

“We’re taking down a dozen or so ‘joke’ entries an hour,” explained the minister for communications, from his pedal car.

“But I’m still not sure what’s so funny about us leaving Europe, or reintroducing the death penalty.”

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