Wednesday 10 August 2011

I guess we’ll just stick to places where there are now fewer police, say rioters


Rioters across the country last night displayed as yet unseen levels of intellect by suggesting they would restrict their lawlessness to places where there aren’t many police.

With services across the nation providing extra officers to police London streets, rioters felt they would have greater success focusing on areas vacated by those extra officers.

One looter told us, “16,000 police in London sounds like a lot, right? So yeah, we decided to focus our attention on Manchester and Birmingham where many of those police came from.”

“I really want a new shell suit, but I’m not willing to wade my way through twenty imported Welsh man-mountains to get to it. I’d rather hop in the car and head to Birmingham.”

London resident Michael Williams told us, “If only I was a little bit cleverer I might notice the link between safer streets and increased police numbers, and then maybe suggest some government policy around that.”

“But I’m not, I’m just a borderline simpleton who doesn’t see these things. You know, like the Cabinet.”

Riots outside London

In a stunning display of foresight, some looters have predicted that all those extra officers can’t stay in London forever, and because those shiny TVs aren’t going anywhere, they’ll just come back later.

Another rioter who took the night off told us, “It’s a bit of a toss up, I really want a new stereo, but I don’t want my head staved in by a baton-carrying blood-thirsty policeman visiting London on his ‘big day out’.”

“Look, just because we’re stupid enough to post our antics on Twitter and Facebook, doesn’t mean we’re stupid enough to take an unnecessary beating purely for your entertainment.”

“Even us committed looters need a night off you know.”

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