Tuesday 9 August 2011 by Spacey

Share plunge causes sharp rise in Robert Peston’s penis


BBC Business Editor is on the verge of a wanking meltdown as the spiralling debt crisis looks increasingly more likely to force his hands permanently down his underpants.

The uncertainty caused by the debt crisis saw big falls on the global financial markets, leading to Peston spoffing one out with an urgency and frequency not seen since the collapse of Lehman Brothers in 2008.

Friends and colleagues of Peston have revealed their concerns after the FTSE 100 Went below 5000 for the first time since May 2010.

“Robert’s level of arousal has been steadily increasing since the beginning of last week,” revealed newsreader, Huw Edwards.

“By the time Standards and Poor’s downgraded America’s credit rating from AAA to AA+ his hands were practically a blur.”

“I think seeing the FTSE go below 5000 may have caused him to explode in a volcanic jizzball of man muck.”

Peston excited

Meanwhile concerns have also been raised for the safety of the BBC’s Economics Editor, Stephanie Flanders, after sources revealed that the financial turmoil has left her vagina foaming like a rabid badger eating a sherbet dip.

“It seems the more desperate the situation gets, the more excited commentators become,” said one troubled investor.

“I think it’s a pretty safe assumption to make that if the UK’s credit rating were to ever be downgraded, Robert Peston would appear naked on the 10 o’clock news, covered in baby oil and masturbating with such extreme levels of ferocity that the energy he expelled could power a town the size of Ipswich.”

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