Tuesday 9 August 2011 by waylandsmithy

Nation’s media hands full editorial control to Daily Mail


In a surprisingly popular move, the entire British media moved overnight to hand full editorial control to the Daily Mail.

Newspapers and television studios alike welcomed the more reactionary approach, and grudgingly admitted that they may have had a point all along.

As looting and arson spread through cities across the UK, a large proportion of the population noticed a link between burnt-out buildings, and hooded youths running away with massive TVs.

The Guardian’s editor gave a grudging apology, “In hindsight, we can see that some unrest might be caused by thieving, greedy little pricks.”

“Where we once demanded more funding for community projects and outreach workers, we’re now campaigning for the return of the birch.”

“Although as my Grandad pointed out, flogging may be too good for them.”

Daily Mail takes over

A sharp rise in the wooden stocks market was welcomed by the city, but the army is asking for national service to be put on hold, with a spokesperson telling us, “What do you expect us to do with them?”

“They’ll only attack towns with a Comet and a Bargain Booze – Kabul has neither. Anyway, we can’t very well recruit them once we’ve shot them.”

The riots have caused the public to show unseen levels of sympathy to the Met police, insurance companies and elderly, intolerant relatives.

“We’re witnessing a revolution”, said 86 year-old Morris Wilkins.

“My daughter actually agreed with my latest rant about the youth of today. Although at one point I did have to say she was being a bit racist.”

The unrest has had an unexpected effect on the BBC, as Hugh Edwards explained. “We’re safe at Broadcasting House, Jeremy Clarkson is defending the entrance with a pool cue and a bag of hammers.”

“But when you see that some little retard had burnt out Greggs, we’re left with no choice but to move to Manchester.”

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