Tuesday 9 August 2011 by waylandsmithy

Islington residents release guidelines for ‘ethical’ rioting


With violent protests spreading across London, residents in Islington are asking rioters to think about their carbon footprint.

As burnt-out buildings continue to smoulder in North London, Jemimah Etherington, an environmental outreach consultant, has asked arsonists to consider alternatives.

“We’ve all felt like torching shops. I for one was furious with Tesco when I calculated the air miles of their humous.”

“But instead of razing your concerns, why not carefully dismantle buildings, and recycle them?”

“We’re extending the opening hours of the local waste recycling centre to meet the needs of late-night shop lifters. And we’re turning a blind eye to commercial waste this week.”

Eco-friendly rioting

Many residents are appalled that rioters still use petrol bombs. “There’s no excuse these days”, said Jemimah. “If you must throw something, consider rechargeable batteries.”

“They don’t have the range of petrol bombs and they can be more expensive. But if you write your postcode on them, we’ll try and get them back to you so they can be reused.”

Residents have asked looters to choose A-rated appliances where possible, and consider whether they could manage with slightly smaller TVs that use less power.

“We all have to do our bit”, said Jemimah, “leave nothing but footprints”.

The police have come in for similar criticism, as Jemimah explained, “I asked one officer if his riot shield was ethically sourced, but he didn’t want to know, he just pushed me away.”

“I was pretty angry when he Tazered me, he had no idea if it had been charged up by a renewable energy source.”

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