Tuesday 2 August 2011 by Spacey

Sorry, $11,7bn profit just isn’t enough, HSBC tells employees


HSBC has revealed that a pre-tax profit of $11.7bn isn’t anywhere near enough money to stop it wiping its giant banking arse with employees, after announcing it was to axe 25,000 jobs.

The job cuts are part of a strategy that the bank hope will save between $2.5bn-$3.5bn by 2013, ensuring that it can build a big house out of money on top of an enormous mountain of money in the middle of a forest made of money.

A spokesperson for HSBC told us, “The only thing better than making $11.7bn, is knowing that there’s a few million more you could make by screwing over the workforce.”

“Economists might call these figures supernormal profits, we prefer the term ‘super-awesome’.”

Despite the job cuts, which amount to about 10% of HSBC’s total workforce, the company stressed that by 2013 it will be looking to recruit staff looking for new opportunities, such “being crapped on regularly by a soulless global banking behemoth”.

HSBC profits

Pre-tax profits in the UK were up 29% to £843m, with group chief executive Stuart Gulliver revealing “Hmmmm, it might sound a lot to some people, but if you’re extraordinarily greedy, have complete disregard for everyone but your shareholders, and are in league with Satan, then it’s just a drop in the ocean.”

HSBC is the first of the UK’s major banks to publish its half-year results, with Lloyds Banking Group, Royal Bank of Scotland and Barclays are all expected to leave the country with sick in their mouths later this week.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: