Friday 29 July 2011 by Gary Stanton

Your leather sofa is worse than the holocaust, insists Morrissey


Leather sofas sold by high street retailer DFS are five and a half times worse than the holocaust, claimed eighties singer Morrissey last night.

The former Smiths frontman, on a visit to his hometown, accosted shoppers at DFS’s Wythenshawe branch as they browsed the latest furniture designs during their lunch hour.

The singer has called on people with television sets not to be taken in by adverts featuring smiling families cuddled up on a huge leather settees, and likened the featured actors to members of the Gestapo.

“In my eyes they are no better,” he told us, “Sure, they’re only doing what they’re told by the director, but is that really an excuse?”

“Oh – and check out the blonde woman. Enough said.”

Morrissey outrage

Morrissey has since been barred from the store after telling a six year-old girl that she was sitting on a dead animal and “how would she like it if someone came round to her house and turned Daddy into an L-shaped leather recliner with a moustache”.

Branch Manager Colin Williams confirmed, “A man in his early fifties was forcibly removed from the store by Greater Manchester Police at 1pm yesterday lunchtime.”

The singer later tried to placate the family by offering them a signed copy of the ‘Queen is Dead’ as they left the car park.

Morrissey, meanwhile, has urged shoppers in the market for a new couch to try out DFS rivals Sofa King who are offering an autumn discount on all three piece suites made out of hemp.

Responding last night to critics, including former inmates of the Nazi camps, Morrissey said, “Say what you like about Hitler but at least he was nice to dogs.”

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