After gas prices rose another 18%, households across the country have been left with no choice but to turn their hands to mini nuclear reactors for their energy needs.
Ministers have been disappointed with the take-up of solar panels and wind turbines, but there’s currently a real buzz surrounding many of the new bonsai nuclear plants.
Faced with rising fuel bills and increasing pressure to buy ‘green’ energy, many households are keen on taking advantage of the new ‘feed in’ tariffs for cottage colliders.
The energy minister explains, “Wind turbines are fine if you only want your lights on when it’s windy. But other households, perhaps those with televisions or washing machines, need a safe and reliable source of low-carbon energy.”
Wickes are planning a range of pocket fast breeder reactors, starting with the budget ‘Three-inch Island’ model.
They recommend customers don’t carry out the commissioning themselves, “There’s a helpline for anyone who fancies having a bit of a go at it, but it really needs to be wired up by a competent nuclear scientist,” said a spokesman for the company.
“It’s really important that you put it on an even surface, near a pond. We’re also selling toy helicopters with buckets underneath – you should probably buy a couple, just to be on the safe side”.
Councils have introduced a new lead-lined wheelie bin to deal with the waste from the new breed of home-reactors.
Residents are warned to treat spent fuel rods with care, “Don’t let your children play with them. They can make very life-like toy rockets or light sabres, but they also cause rashes, and hair loss.”
Critics of the scheme claim it is no more economically viable than solar panels.
Although the smallest B&Q gaseous fission reactor can produce 4 megawatts of power, the initial purchase price won’t be paid back for 85 years, with the small print committing the the customer’s children and grandchildren to 200 years of decommissioning – assuming the owner isn’t sterilized by a poorly fitted shielding.
Residents’ associations are also unhappy, with one telling us, “These are undoubtedly going to be eye-sores, and possibly cataracts.”
“The constant hum and occasional controlled venting ruined my last garden party, and we’re constantly having to ‘shoo’ the sort of riff-raff who set up protest camps.”
“We’re highly critical, which ironically is also the state of my neighbour’s reactor”.