As the auditions for this year’s X Factor get under way, a new concept in holidays where tedious fame-hungry morons can pretend to be celebrities is taking off.
The ‘all-exclusive’ resorts are already booked up for the next 18 months, as wannabes rush to Center of Attention Parcs to spend a week-in-the-life of their idols.
Visitors to the resort can choose from a huge range of self-indulgent activities.
As always, the site is based around a large swimming pool, but this one has two shallow ends, and a nail bar in the middle.
“The li-los are very flattering, they really complement my complexion”, explained Stacey Luton, a future number-one recording artist from Dunstable.
“And I really like the special flumes which make your screaming louder to attract attention, but without messing up your hair”.
The site is equipped with a fully-functioning media room, which produces daily resort papers about the residents previous day’s activities.
Holiday makers compete for column inches by acting incredibly selfishly, and they can barge their way up the leader board from Z to A-list. An inflatable entourage is available for hire, with a creepy stalker thrown in at extra cost.
The celebrity rehab spa is proving very popular, where treatments range from simple exhaustion, to full-blown crack cold turkey.
This ultimate treatment includes some candid photos of the client’s lowest moments, and the use of a ‘Doherty’ hat to wear for the rest of the holiday, so the site photographers know they’re really special.
Photos taken on site are available at reception: “For only £5.99, you can snatch them from an actor pretending to be a photographer, and scream abuse at them for invading your privacy. I think that’s really good value”, explained Brian Hemel, some-day darling of the party scene.
There are a number of onsite restaurants, featuring frankly ludicrous menus with ingredients that holiday-makers can pretend to have heard of.
All of the staff have been trained to take a punch, with future model Sandra Williams raving about the service, “It’s great being a celebrity. I slapped the waiter because my oysters were all icky and they didn’t have any ketchup.”
“I jumped straight from D-list to B-list! I hope a talent scout spots me, this life style is all I’ve ever dreamed of.”
Guests can choose from a range of gaudy chalets, built in the traditional Alderley Edge mock-gothic tudor renaissance style. The topless sunbathing gardens are very private, and can only be seen through a telephoto lens from ‘Paparazzi Hill’.
However, the new resorts have had their critics. An ‘orange people only’ policy has been described as discriminatory, and some have complained that the Size Zero dressing-up boutique is too realistic.
But so far, everyone who has stayed has filled in very positive feedback forms, with nothing but praise for themselves.