Monday 18 July 2011 by Spacey

Two out of three workers are arse-kissing bullshitters, finds survey


Two thirds of UK workers admit they are arse-licking tosspots who wouldn’t think twice about dumping you in the shit just to save their own pathetic skin, according to a survey by PricewaterhouseCoopers.

PwC polled 1,190 people, of which 66% admitted fawning over their boss to such a degree that anyone in the near vicinity is overcome with a feeling of extreme nausea.

The news will come as a boost to businesses whose bosses like nothing more than having their egos massaged by sycophantic brown-nosing parasites.

Arse-kissers are thought to cost dedicated skivers hours in lost idling time as they spend their day concentrating on what other people are getting up to while ingratiating themselves with their superiors.

“Look around your workplace now and sum up your colleagues, and it’ll go something like this ‘Alright, arse-kisser, alright, arse-kisser, arse-kisser, back-stabbing bullshitter who probably checks the use-by date on a packet of condoms to see if it’s realistic,'” said Neil Roden, a partner at PwC.

“There might be one you quite like, but only if you work with fifty people or more – below that the odds are extremely low.”

Workers Survey

The findings have left Skivers throughout the UK struggling to think of more elaborate excuses for doing as little as they can possibly get away with.

“I’ve exhausted every illness known to man,” revealed office slacker Alex Thornley.

“I’ve spent more time at the vets than Rolf Harris and I’ve probably been to more funerals than Ian Lavender from Dad’s Army.”

“I don’t really want to have kids, but I think they’re the only believable excuse I’ve got left.”

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