Monday 18 July 2011 by Ivor Courtcase

Britain resigns and hands itself in to the police


Britain resigns and hands itself into police

The entire United Kingdom has today resigned out of collective guilt and embarrassment, as the fallout from the News of the World phone hacking scandal continues.

The country, sometimes referred to as ‘Great Britain’, announced this morning that it would be stepping down from its duties as a moron-populated land mass, and handing itself in at the nearest police station – immediately after Bargain Hunt.

The troubled pillock-ridden nation state explained:

“I was party to the News of the World’s phone hacking. I may not have done the hacking myself. But I voraciously consumed the product of that phone hacking every Sunday – without thinking through the consequences of my choices.”

“I lined the pockets of those pitiless bastards with my brainless desire for sensationalism, vicarious grief, hypocrisy, tits and suspender belts, in bite-size chunks at an affordable price.”

“I smell the stench of my own collusion wafting from my every orifice. And I am deeply ashamed.”

“My position is untenable. I am tendering my resignation and will shortly be prostrating myself at the jackbooted feet of a thousand bored coppers.”

United Kingdom resigns

Other countries have shown mixed reactions to Great Britain’s resignation.

“Britain’s resignation is long overdue,” said Iran. “Its association with a decadent, corrupt, immoral cesspit of a western news corporation has tragically overshadowed its own role as a decadent, corrupt, immoral cesspit of a western nation state.”

America told us: “While deeply saddened at Britain’s resignation, I respect its decision, and may even resign myself out of guilt and embarrassment, given that I actually let Rupert Murdoch operate from my place.”

Meanwhile Australia was more sanguine about the whole affair: “For years Britain sent its criminals over here. It’s my pleasure to return the favour. It’s called karma.”

“Resignation’s too good for you, you whingeing pommies.”

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