Thursday 14 July 2011 by Solanki & Mawhinney

Liverpool fans gather to greet Downing with complete indifference


As Stewart Downing arrived in Liverpool to undertake a medical and to complete his £20m transfer from Aston Villa, he was greeted by hundreds of fans expressing their complete indifference at his signing.

The head of the supporters’ club summed up the group’s feelings when he said, “He’s had a few okay performances for England, he comes from an okay club, most of us are thinking he’s okay.”

“It’s the latest in a long line of okay signings this summer, and most of us are okay with that.”

Liverpool’s chief executive explained the rational behind their purchases in the close season.

He said, “We’ve had to look high and low for players of the right calibre for this club. We need players who are not going to over-excite the fans when they arrive here.”

“You know what Scousers are like, you make one top-drawer singing and suddenly they’ll be banging on about the good old days and how King Kenny is going to restore the club to its rightful place. And, despite the last twenty years, they don’t think that’s 5th place.”

Downing to Liverpool

During the press conference Downing stated that ‘he was absolutely thrilled to be here’ while most people present carefully inspected their fingernails.

And while the many in the audience checked their iPhones, Downing went on to say that Liverpool were ‘a massive club with a terrific history’.

The press conference was cut short as only one journalist responded to the press officer’s call for questions.

A reporter from The Liverpool Echo asked, “How do you get that ‘not bothered’ face on a tweet? Oh, and does this signing mean that we’re going to be restored to our rightful place just like in the good old days?”

Meanwhile Villa fans have welcomed the departure of Stewart Downing and Ashley Young, expressing their delight at the club’s new strategy of selling their best players prior to relegation, rather than being forced into doing so afterwards.

One season ticket holder told us, “You only have to look at the pressure West Ham are under to see that the best time to sell all of your best players is before you go down, not afterwards.”

“I praise the club for their foresight, and would suggest that we could probably still get a few quid for Gabby Agbonlahor and Darren Bent.”

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