Thursday 14 July 2011

Catholicism to close on Sunday following further revelations of illegal activity


Catholicism has announced that this Sunday will be the last edition of its popular ‘Mass’ following further revelations surrounding child abuse cases in Ireland.

The church had hoped that previous cover-ups had done enough to see it’s reputation remain intact, but is admitting defeat and will close it’s doors for the final time on Sunday.

The closure will see an end to a two-thousand year old institution, which insiders hope will be remembered for it’s few good years rather than the couple of thousand pretty awful ones.

One former Catholic told us, “It’s the worshippers I feel sorry for, many of them had no idea the strange man in a dress was fiddling with kids.”

“You know, maybe the clean break will do the worshippers some good? I hear that the Anglicans are recruiting.”

After controversial figure Father Coulson left the church in 2007, many inside the church felt that the worst was behind them, but the latest revelations have once again left Catholicism facing the mercy of the legal system.

Catholicism to close

In the face of mounting criticism, the decision to close has come from the very top, with Vatican officials expected to arrive in the country shortly to oversee the closure.

Speculation is already rife that Carholicism will merely relaunch under a new name in time for next Sunday, with the domain entirelynewcatholicism.net  suspiciously purchased in Rome on Tuesday.

One religious industry watcher told us, “I can’t imagine the Vatican will simply walk away completely, you have to remember that this is a multi billion dollar business empire.”

“You don’t acquire that level of financial success by making poor business decisions.”

“I’m quite sure they’ll rebrand, come back fresh, and this time next year well be asking ‘Catholicism who?'”

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