Wednesday 13 July 2011 by Spacey

‘Bollocks!’ insist Euro Lottery losers


The millions of lottery players in the UK whose numbers didn’t come up in last night’s £161m Euro Lottery jackpot draw have spent the morning muttering various obscenities to themselves as they prepare for another day doing the soul-destroying job they had hoped they’d be able to quit.

The rollover jackpot is believed to have been scooped by one lucky person, commonly referred to as a ‘bastard’, although the possibility that the ticket could be part of a syndicate has left thousands travelling to work full of false hope.

Brian Hardwick, who uses birthdays and anniversaries to select his numbers told us, “If it’s one of those pricks that says ‘It won’t change me. I’ll still turn up for work in the morning’ then so help me, God, I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

“I mean why do these wankers even do the lottery?!”

Syndicate players have also spoken of their torment.

“It’s not just that we didn’t win,” revealed 36 year-old office worker, Caroline Evans. “There’s always a couple of people who didn’t join the syndicate because they think it’s a waste of money.”

“Having to deal with their smug ‘I told you so’ bullshit is enough to make me spend my day fantasising about punching them in the face until all that’s left is a bloody mess of teeth and hair.”

Euromillions

In offices across the country, empty chairs behind tidy desks have come under increased suspicion since about ten past nine.

One worker told us, “That bitch Sally in accounts has been in at nine on the dot for the last ten years.  I’ve pissed in her drawer, just in case it’s her, like.”

Attention will now turn to tonight’s National Lottery draw, but is unlikely that people will consider the £2.2m jackpot worth bothering with.

“Is that all?!” asked one disappointed ticket holder.

“I usually only bother if it’s an obscene amount of money that is so sickeningly huge that I wouldn’t be able to spend it in twenty lifetimes.”

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