News Corporation Chief Executive Rupert Murdoch has arrived in the UK to personally ensure that any government inquiry into the News of the World hacking and bribery allegations goes exactly as he wants it to.
Having successfully managed to make most of the British media turn the last edition of the besieged tabloid into a glorious and sentimental farewell to the greatest publication ever, Murdoch has now revealed that he is expecting the inquiries into phone-hacking and bribery to end with Rebekah Brooks being installed as Queen.
“Mr Murdoch has very thoughtfully spared some time to visit the UK and make sure that David Cameron behaves himself,” a News Corp aide announced.
“He’s worried his boy Dave might get a bit excited with all the media attention and do something he might regret.”
“Mr Murdoch has come in person so that he can be absolutely certain that not a single member of staff will be charged with criminal offences, and also that the BskyB deal will go through as Mr Murdoch told Mr Cameron it would months ago.”
“He’s here to give a gentle reminder to Mr Cameron about who’s really in control here, and to ensure he won’t consider stepping out of line, even for a second.”
Murdoch in control
The timing of the start of the inquiries is not ideal for News Corp, as the Murdochs and their executives have had far too little time to recover from the celebrations of transforming a disastrous stream of bad publicity about NoTW into a record-breaking final edition, with an identical version of the paper to be launched under a different name within weeks.
“The government is thoughtlessly ruining a great moment for British journalism,” claimed former NoTW reader Richard Peters, soon to become a devoted Sun on Sunday reader.
“Rebekah Brooks was the last in a long line of glorious leaders who rode roughshod over the laws of the land to give me what I want, why can’t people appreciate that?”
“Now the government is detracting from the build up to the ‘Sun on Sunday’ with their petty claims about phone-hacking and police bribery.”
“As if any of us record-breaking 5 million readers want to hear about that nonsense!”