Thursday 7 July 2011 by Gary Stanton

Fish refusing to be wrapped in the News Of The World


Fish and Chips in NoTW paper

Fish everywhere have withdrawn their support for being wrapped in the News of the World, it emerged last night.

After further allegations that the popular shitrag had hacked into phones of relatives of the war dead, Atlantic Cod were among the first to turn up the two nostril-like apertures at the front of their face at the ‘newspaper’.

They were swiftly followed by other chip shop favourites such as Haddock and Plaice in insisting that the paper had ‘gone too far this time’.

The news will come as a blow for the NOTW, already reeling after a majority of the public said they would no longer be using the newspaper to remove faeces from their anuses.

Michael, a five year-old sustainable Dover Sole who insisted he only reads it for the tits said, “I’m both shocked and appalled by what I’ve read.”

“When the time comes, as it inevitably will, I’d prefer to be wrapped in a more upmarket newspaper such as The Independent or Guardian.”

“I particularly enjoy Johan Hari’s opinion pieces or at least I did right up until the middle of last week.”

Fish boycott NoTW

And Nigel, a mature haddock who would prefer to be served with tartar sauce and a slice of lemon said, “I used to read it for the both the sport and the tits but after the whole Milly Dowler thing I wouldn’t be seen dead in it.”

However, a small shoal of North Sea pollock were last night holding out until the results of a full public enquiry into the matter are published.

A spokesfish for the group, who are cautious by nature and don’t like immigrants very much said, “We refuse to be battered into submission.”

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