Wednesday 6 July 2011 by Spacey

News of the World readers could be forced underground, warn experts


Experts in this sort of thing have warned that the escalating row over phone hacking could force News of the World readers underground, beyond the clutches of the authorities.

Experts believe that a network of News of the World readers are operating online where they share vile images of celebrities without make-up and reveal sick views that would leave right-minded people literally paralysed with filth.

Posing as a middle-aged taxi driver, we went online and discovered individuals openly indulging in pun-based headlines and discount vouchers for visits to theme parks where they could easily come into contact with children.

Professor Kenneth Hopley, who is an expert in providing opinions that back up the agendas of tabloid newspapers, conclusively revealed, “Yes, I do believe that News of the World readers could be forced underground.”

He also added that it’s without doubt definitely possible that “YOU could be living next door to one!”

NOTW going underground

Social anthropologists have warned that pushing News of the World readers underground completely removes the possibility of treatment and education, and with it the hope of any rehabilitation.

Dr Maurice Williams told us, “Some will argue that these people are beyond saving, and should be written off by polite society, but I prefer to see their complete and utter ignorance as a factor of their environment.”

“There’s a very real chance they don’t even know that what they’re reading is wrong.”

Members of the public who lap up this sort of stuff have been quick to express exactly the kind of hysterical views that we were hoping for, with one revealing “AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH Kill! Kill! Kill!”

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