Tuesday 5 July 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

Duke successfully performs most elaborate mating ritual in royal history


The Duke of Cambridge has been told he is ‘definitely getting it’ after successfully landing a Sea King helicopter on water as part of the Royal couple’s tour of Canada.

The RAF search and rescue pilot reportedly requested the otherwise pointless exercise, which historians claim is the most romantic royal gesture since Henry VIII executed Anne Boleyn to make way for Jane Seymour in 1936.

The move is said to have been an enormous success, with the Duchess seen biting her lower lip and playing with her hair throughout the exercise.

The duke’s private secretary Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton understands the public nature of the performance had made quite an impression on the duchess.

“Like I told William, what’s the point in having a Sea King licence if you can’t use it every now and again to get laid.”

William water landing

Experts have said the dangerous maneourvre was the sign of a well-trained, highly-skilled pilot, who was definitely going to get laid last night.

Lowther-Pinkerton went on, “The fact that people thought it was actually dangerous made it all the more impressive.”

“I was impressively tumescent by the time it finally landed, so Lord only knows the effect it had on Kate.”

Mr Lowther-Pinkerton also felt that Canadian tax-payers will be delighted to have funded the extravagant gesture.

“Wasting uneccessary wads of cash on royal junkets is what being in the commonwealth is all about.”

“Thank god.”

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