Thursday 30 June 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

Greed clue to mystery obesity epidemic


Scientists have been left stunned at research which led to the discovery of a direct link between people being greedy and people getting fat.

The shock news was uncovered by researchers tasked with investigating the impact of stuffing one’s face at regular intervals with cheap snacks and the exponential increase in the general girth of the British public.

Researcher Roger Part detailed the efforts that went into determining the link, “It was very much a case of buying as many crisps, sweets and chocolate as we could, find and then placing them all in front of what you might call a ‘stereotypical fat person’ – and then leaving them on their own for a short period of time.”

“The results were astonishing.”

“In almost every instance the fat person relentlessly blazed a trail through every item put before them.”

“But that wasn’t the most shocking bit.”

“What really knocked us off our chair was that they actually got fatter over the period we carried out the daily tests.”

Greed isn’t good

Part went one, “We feel these surprising results fully justify the sixth months we spent conducting our research, and the funding we secured to do it.”

28 year-old fat person, Charlie Williams, told us he was disappointed with the findings, insisting that he was not given a chance to contribute to the results.

“Its not greed that leads fat people to eat helpless quantities of rubbish food.”

“Its tests like these that provide an endless parade of food high in fat content.”

“Supermarkets carry out these test daily, and they don’t exclude anyone.”

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