Wednesday 29 June 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

Man Utd confirm signing of world’s first ready-made terrace chant


Man Utd have confirmed the signing of the first ready-made homophobic terrace chant in Premier League history after securing the services of goalkeeper David de Gea from Atletico Madrid on a 5-year deal.

The Spain Under-21 international underwent a medical at Old Trafford on Monday and will finalise terms on Friday, ensuring even the most cerebrally-challenged opposition football fans will have little trouble in formulating sexually-oppressive ditties this coming season.

Man City fan, Harold Mann, welcomed the signing, saying it was “the most exciting development since the emergence of David Batty in the nineties.”

He told a reporter in Manchester, “This is sure to be a signing that is welcomed not just at Old Trafford, but at stadia around the country.”

“Just getting an Irishman like our own Shay Given to say it out loud is likely to cause hysterical laughter. Because, you know, it sounds like ‘The Gayer’.”

“I can only imagine the frenzied play on words that will come when he drops his first ball in the box. There must erections throughout The Sun’s offices at the mere thought of it.”

De Gea signs for Man Utd

Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, said he hoped his decision to sign the Spaniard wouldn’t turn Manchester United matches into one-long re-enactment of an episode of The Inbetweeners.

“I’m not saying it won’t be mildly amusing the first couple of times someone does it, but personally speaking I’d rather be knee-deep in clunge.”

“But maybe I’m not giving football fans enough credit, and the opposing supporters will actually come up with a witty, erudite, socially-aware chant that will cast light on the inaccurate stereotypes that are still rife throughout the modern game?”

“Or maybe I should just be grateful his name doesn’t rhyme with ‘dago’ or ‘wop’?”

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