Rumours of a second man dying at Glastonbury are related to the sleep-inducing performance of Paul Simon, police have confirmed.
There were no witnesses as a man died sat on a toilet at the festival on Friday night but it appears that millions of people watched another man sat on the Pyramid stage on Sunday who seemed to be straining to a death which was far less dignified.
“A 56-year-old man unfortunately died on Friday amid the smell of a Glastonbury portaloo and the stench of Bono’s hypocrisy,” DCI Robert Monroe confirmed.
“It wasn’t a pretty sight – seeing a man in his fifties still trying to hang onto his youth and convince himself that he’s still fit for the festival circuit.”
“So it’s no surprise that Mr Shale locked himself into a putrid shitpit in an effort to escape the sight of the U2 front man.”
“It’s a terrible shame he died in there, but his family can be comforted in the knowledge that he didn’t have to endure Paul Simon as well as Bono.”
Painful Simon’s painful public death began when he took to the stage, warming up the crowd for what was to come with, ‘I’ve got a throat infection so if I’m not at the top of my game, that’s the reason’.
Crowd member Amber Bresnan admitted, “I would say that was probably the highlight for me, because the rest of it had me looking for a noxious portaloo to lock myself into, as well. ”
“But unsurprisingly, all 25,000 of them were simultaneously occupied so I didn’t manage to get one until people came out thinking he was finished.”
“I had the last laugh though,” she added, “because then they were all stuck with his encore while I had the blessed relief of rancid slurry.”