Monday 27 June 2011 By @JohnnyBeelzebub

Cameron transfers ownership of British backsides to Beijing


David Cameron has signed £1.4bn worth of trade agreements that will see Britain become China’s little bitch.

The United States had previously been the largest shareholder in British bums but the new arrangement with China will see all of our arses travelling eastward.

After meeting Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao for talks, Mr Cameron hailed what he described as a ‘huge opportunity’ for Britain to become exactly what Nick Clegg has become for him.

“This is a huge opportunity for Britain to be told exactly what to do, and by the country who will soon be calling all the shots, anyway,” the Prime Minister announced.

“The previous government effectively handed our backsides over to Washington, so today I have taken them back, applied some soothing cream to the more sensitive areas, and handed them straight over to China.”

Gentle treatment

After signing the agreement, Mr Cameron admitted that he hoped that the Chinese government would be gentle with us all, because he said a few things about human rights that he forgotten to put in writing.

He said, “OK, I haven’t got anything contractually binding but I did say something about human rights and Mr Wen was definitely listening.”

“He may have effectively told me to shut up but I can tell you from my own experience that it’s certainly a step in the right direction.”

“I mean – he could’ve asked me to bend over again,” he added, “ but thankfully he seems to be a little more lenient than Rupert Murdoch.”

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