Thursday 23 June 2011

Are you quite sure the burglar didn’t just stab himself, asks everyone


After a burglar was killed in attempting to break into a house in Manchester, people everywhere have asked the police if they’re quite sure he didn’t just accidentally stab himself to death.

The police are treating the death of the 26 year-old as murder, despite just about everyone being pretty sure it is just a tragic case of self-harming gone wrong.

Manchester resident Steve Williams told us, “You hear about it all the time, balaclava wearing burglars stopping mid-robbery to cut themselves with knives, but this one got a bit out of hand, obviously.”

“I’ll be shocked if the police conclude this is anything other than an over-excited criminal accidentally killing himself in front of the home owner.  That’s what it sounds like to me, definitely.”

Manchester stabbing

Experts are already putting forward theories on how this is definitely just a case of a burglar killing themselves that requires little further investigation at the tax payers expense.

Behavioural psychologist Michelle Davidson told us, “The mind of a burglar is a difficult one to comprehend.  I mean, you or I wouldn’t think of stabbing ourselves just for kicks, would we? But then we wouldn’t break into someone’s house to steal their stuff, either.”

“So if they can do the latter, I’m 100% confident they can do the former.”

However, Burglars Union representative Mike Shane told reporters that something must be done to improve working conditions for his members.

“How can we sit idly by as modern working practises make breaking into someone’s home a dangerous thing to do?”

“Something must be done to ensure my members can continue to come and go as they please from any home they like, all with complete impunity. Or maybe just some suspended community service if they’re really unlucky.”

After a hospital spokesperson issued a statement confirming the death of the burglar, a local residents association spokesperson described the burglar’s condition as ‘satisfactory’.

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