Wednesday 22 June 2011 by Gary Stanton

Lulzsec hackers take crucial step towards getting laid


Lulzsec computer hackers scored an important victory in their bid to achieve sexual congress with a fellow human being, it emerged last night.

The Brazilian government joined the CIA and the US Senate as the latest victim of the group’s online antics, raising their profile to the point where insecure and emotionally damaged teenage girls might start to think they’re a bit ‘cool’.

Suspected LulzSec hacker 19-year-old Ryan Cleary was arrested in the UK on Monday night following an investigation by Scotland Yard, who told reporters that a “significant amount of crusty material” had been recovered from his bedroom and would now be subjected to forensic examination by officers wearing special gloves.

Mr Cleary’s family expressed disbelief that the self-confessed computer ‘enthusiast’ had anything to do with hacking.

His mother Rita, 45, said her son ‘lives his life online’ but she thought he had spent his time frantically masturbating in his bedroom like any other normal teenage boy.

She added that, as he was led away by police, he told her “whatever you do don’t go in the drawer of my bedside cabinet – and I’m only looking after it for a friend!”

Lulzsec arrests

Experts are warning that the stereotypical ‘bad boy’ to which girls are historically attracted might be changing, with a shift away from the truant hot-hatch driving hoodie, to the pasty teenager with a 50MB Internet connection.

Social Anthropologist Sheila Williams told us, “What we are seeing is a definite move towards a sexual relationship for many of these so-called hackers, particularly for those with access to teenage girls with very low self-esteem.”

“If the FBI really want this problem to go away, they should just drop their investigations and put a fraction of that money towards hiring a crack team of highly-skilled prostitutes.”

“Trust me, these guys will no longer be a threat to national security from the very second they realise what a real breast feels like.”

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