After announcing that Budweiser will sponsor the FA Cup as of next year, the Football Association has assured supporters that they will never be exposed to a single drop of the stuff.
The initial announcement filled fans with the fear that Budweiser would be the only low-quality alcoholic beverage available at matches during next year’s competition, causing angry scenes which forced the governing body to react by calling an emergency press conference.
“I think everyone needs to take a deep breath and calm down,” FA chairman David Bernstein told the conference. “Nobody will be drinking Budweiser.”
“We would never allow this vile American lager pass the lips of anyone in our stadia because we know that our fans would rather be exposed to bean sprouts from Germany.”
“I’m afraid, however, that everyone will still have to make do with likes of Carling and even Tuborg,” he added, “and there’s still no escaping those awful plastic cups.”
The FA chairman moved to further allay those anxieties by insisting that the sponsor’s product will only be put to more practical and industrial uses, including watering the pitch and general cleaning purposes.
“It’s not something we wanted to do but they were offering so much money that we just couldn’t refuse,” Bernstein continued, “which unfortunately means that the stuff will be in the cisterns and it will also be running all through the drains.”
“So if you happen to smell anything odd in the toilets – don’t blame your friends, blame the Budweiser.”