Wednesday 15 June 2011

Government to create new way for banks to make money from you


The government has announced plans to make banks ring-fence their retail banking operations, opening the way for them to start charging you to look after money you already own.

Chancellor George Osborne will use his speech today to explain how the government’s plan will prevent a government bail-out in case of future banking collapses by making you and I pay for it up front.

The move has been welcomed in the retail banking industry, with many suggesting it’s the excuse for which they’ve been waiting many years.

A British Banking Association spokesperson told us, “When our investment banks are making billions, everyone sort of forgets to look at the retail banking arm and how well, or not, it’s doing. The board becomes ‘cash-blind’ as we call it.”

“But now we’ll be expected to contribute financially, which means we’ll be charging you for looking after the money you give us, which of course we then lend out anyway in order to make more money.”

“It’s good news, trust me.”

Banking reform

Consumers have been left a little confused by the plan, with many asking how giving a bank more money will stop them being such shits all of the time.

Bank account holder James Williams told us, “I’m not sure I understand.  Can we not just do something to stop investment banks from taking the sort of horrendous risks that threaten entire economies, without asking me to start coughing up a tenner a month for somewhere to put my paycheck?”

“Basically Osborne is saying, ‘I’ve found a way to avert any future banking crisis, and it involves everyone giving them more money’, right?”

“Oh, that’ll be popular.”

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