Monday 13 June 2011 By @JohnnyBeelzebub

Drinks retailer to advise women how drunk to get when pregnant


Alcohol producer Diageo is to train 10,000 midwives so that they can advise women how shit-faced they should get when carrying a baby.

The scheme will be carried out in England and Wales for the next five years, where the Guinness retailer feels current attitudes are unfortunately against women getting pissed during pregnancy – a fact which does not reflect well upon their profit margins.

“We won’t be telling midwives to recommend anyone to crack open a can during an ultrasound,” a Diageo spokesman assured, “but I don’t think mums-to-be should be completely discouraged from backing a few bevvies at their baby showers, either.”

“Of course, people are entitled to their opinions but who really has any issue with a woman adding to her radiant glow with a couple of gallons of Guinness every now and then?”

“Obviously you don’t want her breaking her waters in the pub, but we all know Guinness is good for you,” he added, “so just imagine how good it is for your baby.”

Negativity

The British Medical Association has expressed anxiety about the alcohol producer funding such a scheme but conservative Public Health Minister Anne Milton has no such concerns.

“There may be a lot of negativity surrounding the cause of foetal alcohol syndrome,” she admitted.

“But in the current economic climate, the government must consider that there may be financial benefits to women having much shorter pregnancies, particularly for a corporation which contributes to our party coffers.”

“Yes, mothers may encounter minor mental and physical defects later in their children’s lives,” Milton continued, “but perhaps they should be able to weigh that up against the huge plus of having a baby slip out almost effortlessly due to it having a much smaller head.”

The scheme is the first part of a ground-breaking government initiative which will allow private companies into the public health domain, with McDonald’s soon to be giving impartial advice about obesity and cigarette manufacturers encouraging children to make their own opinions about smoking.

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