Monday 6 June 2011 By @JohnnyBeelzebub

Kensington Palace move as William prepares to put Kate in the family way


The royal newlyweds’ move into Kensington Palace is a sure sign that Prince William is about to sow his royal seed within his new wife’s womb, royal observers have claimed.

The couple are expected to begin their lives on royal grounds for the first time within the next few weeks and soon after their arrival, William will have to begin working upon the one genuine purpose that he has in his life.

“Well, it’s what he’s here for, isn’t it?” royal observer Jennie Bond explained. “Kate will be coming off the pill as we speak.”

“They’ll already have charted her ovulation cycle and pinpointed which days that William has to perform – the Queen will even have it down to the hour – and it’ll be all missionary for Middleton from now on.”

“It’s a shame for her but it’s just no good for any of us to have Kate on top,” Bond continued. “As I’m afraid that the country really doesn’t need the royal sperm to be fighting against gravity to get into position for fertilisation.”

“Although many people swear that spooning can bring success so – as a royal – William will probably try that first that because it’s a lot less work.”

Wedding dress

Further confirmation for observers came with the news that Kate Middleton’s wedding dress would not be accompanying them on their new move but would instead be kept on display at Buckingham Palace.

BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell reported, “Kate won’t want that dress around while William does his best to make sure that her bum won’t be getting into it any time soon.”

“So I think I speak for us all when I say that she should probably just give it to Pippa.”

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