Friday 3 June 2011 By @JohnnyBeelzebub

Vegetarians experiencing karma, say meat lovers


The cucumber crisis is karma wielding its cosmic vengeance upon vegetarians who have insisted that they are the earthly embodiment of all that is healthy, people who eat meat have claimed.

The kinds of foods that vocal vegetarians repeatedly declared to be the fountain of all vitality have recently been exposed as the source of at least ten or less deadly diseases.

Brow-beaten meat lovers are now convinced that the benevolent Buddha is finally allowing them to get their own back in what is fast becoming known as ‘the cucumber karma’.

“I didn’t believe in karma because I eat meat,” Dave Matthews admitted. “But I’m beginning to like this idea that the past deeds of vegetarians are heavily penalised.”

“Especially as my friend Byron had been relentlessly badgering me about the supposed side effects of eating three times my own bodyweight in processed offal every week.”

“So it looks to me like Buddha’s boomerang will be heading his way when I start bending his ear,” Mr Matthews added, “unless he tells me that E.coli is just another type of his ‘friendly bacteria’.”

Safer lifestyles

Many vegetarians have weighed up the evidence – particularly the irrefutable evidence emerging from Germany – and decided to ditch their dangerous lifestyles in favour of eating animals that have been made safe in abattoirs.

“I’ve gone straight onto the Atkins diet and I feel great,” Roslyn Peterson, a former über-vegan, declared. “And I look even better now that I’ve got the colour back in my cheeks and those dark circles back under my eyes.”

“My farting average is back within reason,too,” she continued. “And thanks to the decaying corpse that has taken up residence in my lower intestine, they smell a whole lot worse.”

“So I can now give my boyfriend his very own cosmic comeuppance.”

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